The first half an hour after I got up today was a roller coaster of emotion. I woke up feeling really guilty because I had a dream about being a terrorist. I don’t know what that says about my subconscious. I am sure a lot of people will try to analyse it and tell me what it means. In the dream I blew up two blocks of flats by putting a bomb on a remote-control boat and sending it through the sewers to below the buildings. the last thing I remember from the dream was reading what I had done on the BBC website. I think at this point I should point out I have no desire to do anything like that. I detest violence and I think violence only breeds more violence. The other thing that had my emotions spinning was when I checked my phone, I had received a text from my brother.
That was the equivalent of setting off an emotional bomb in my brain. The text was “hi, how are you?” that is the first contact I have had with him for about 5 years. On a number of occasions he has completely disowned me. The last actual conversation I had with him was seven years ago when I came out to him as trans. The way the conversation ended was by him saying “as far as I am concerned, I don’t have a brother”, I responded with “that’s right you have a sister” he then put the phone down.
The next contact I sort had with him was two years ago after he been seriously ill in hospital. I did what you should do when a family member is in hospital and regularly rang the hospital to find out how he was. Then two days before he was let out, I received a call from his girlfriend saying that he didn’t want any contact with me. So I have not bothered to try to contact him. I have still sent him Christmas and birthday gifts just to remind him I still exist; I have also deliberately made sure any card I have sent him says from your sister. The last time I saw him was at our granddads funeral in 2008 and he barely acknowledged me while we were there. Relations with him had been frosty for a few years as he disagrees with what he sees as my choice to be attracted to men.
So we have been estranged for years. We never had a good relationship when we were younger. I am sure I have written about he was complicit in the abuse I suffered. It may have been his way of staying safe and not suffering abuse himself. There were a lot of times he was the abuser, especially when we were at school, there were times when he got people from his year to beat me up while he stood there and watched. There was even a time when he stamped on my head. He joined in with the abuse at home, one vivid memory I have is after my step dad had beaten me black and blue and I was curled up in a ball on the floor crying and in a lot pain my step dad told him to kick me until I stopped crying which my brother did. What I have written here is not all the only things he did but those are the ones that stand out.
The thing is I have always craved a normal relationship with him. That may be difficult for people to understand, it is for me. Afterall why would I want a relationship with some one who has caused me so much pain? I can’t explain it. It defies all logic but when has the stuff my brain has done to me been logical. It has always been a regret of mine that we don’t have a relationship. I think part of it is that I know he has an intellectual disability; he has never been officially diagnosed but there is defiantly some thing there. For example he can tell you the date every one of the over 500 British rail class 47 locomotives was introduced and scraped, but he can’t use an oven because it’s too complicated. My need for a relationship with him could have something to do with that. I think on some level I feel like I need to protect him. I certainty protected him and my mum from beatings from my stepdad when I was young by putting my self in the way.
My stepdad rarely beat him, and when he did it was never as bad as what happened to me. I think there was a little jealously on my part that he wasn’t suffering as much as I was. Also due to his disability he always had more of my parents time and attention. He got everything he asked for when he was a kid and when I asked for anything, I was always told that I was the youngest so I am the least important, that’s properly where my feeling of inadequacy comes from.
So back to this morning and that text from him. I took some time to think about my response but I did respond and we had a conversation by text about how our lives are going. So it’s the first meaningful contact I have had with him for more that decade and I am scared by it. Part if me wants this to be the moment that we finally sort out our relationship, but another part of me wants to hold back and ignore it due to all the past hurt. We have been in this situation before a few years ago when he responded to texts, I sent only for a few days latter for him to repeat that he never wants to hear from me again. But this is the first time he has made first contact so I will try not to second guess what he is up to and take a bit of hope that we may sort out our relationship this time, I will keep you posted how it goes.
Be the storm and not caught up in it.
Bex
Rebecca Mercer 